The 355 (2022) Review
“The enemy is invisible.”
Another year means another January; full of botched studio releases that, somehow, still made it to the light of day without succumbing to the pressures of a streaming release. The 355 is, surprisingly, no different. Though boasting an all-star cast of female leads, the film never manages to find its own voice; borrowing from much better spy/action movies and replicating it with mediocre results. Director Simon Kinberg is coming fresh off his last critically panned studio release, Dark Phoenix, and the results are similar; a soulless blockbuster focused on being palatable and profitable foremost while being an actual movie gets left on the backburner. Granted, The 355 is not even close to the worst movie you’ll ever see but it undoubtedly will be left in a few weeks.
The film opens with a sepia-tinted Columbia where some tech-wiz creates a device that can hack into anything even remotely related to technology. Crashing airplanes? Done. Hacking into bank accounts? You got it. In order to get this device out of the hands of the “bad guys” — agents from the CIA, MI6, BND, DNI, and MSS all must join forces. Off the bat, it’s obvious that this film has no intent on making the viewer actually care about the plot; it exists solely as a backdrop for these A-List actresses to perform. And if any of the dialogue was remotely interesting or less generic, it could have at least been an enjoyable experience. In fact, all the characters except for DNI psychologist Graciela Rivera (Penelope Cruz) are essentially the same; hardened agents with little to no personality while solely focused on the mission. So when they all interact, there’s no suture to their dialogue; it feels as if they’re all talking to themselves which should have been taught in Screenwriting 101. They do all have generic backstories though — all told through heavy expository dialogue through the course of the entire film. Cruz gives the most honest and relatable performance and if the filmmakers framed the narrative from her point of view, it would have immediately added a layer of personality/intrigue that is severely lacking from the entirety of the film.
Blatantly put — the film is bland in every sense. The action is clunky and so poorly edited, it’s hard to keep track of the choreography; especially in the bombastic final sequence. The choice of digital zooms and pans does not have the impact the filmmakers thought it would and feels so instantly dated. It’s also shot in such a flat manner — feeling more akin to a made-for-tv movie or a commercial, rather than a blockbuster. The dialogue feels like it was written by an algorithm that was forced to watch decades of action movies and botch together a storyline that feels like it would sell in 2021. I’m all for female-led ensembles but the script must justify the existence of this in the first place; instead of feeling like a forced premise to boost sales. See also: Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown (1988), The Descent (2005), Annihilation (2018), Little Women (2019). Each of those aforementioned movies are not only solid examples of fantastic genre work (comedy, horror, sci-fi, drama) but excel in the medium itself. The 355 is not one of those movies.
In the end, we’re left with another lackluster blockbuster that leaves enough room for itself to spawn a franchise. Seriously. The film might as well have had “The 355 will return…” after the credits roll. Before even thinking about making an enjoyable singular film, the filmmakers here were already focused on cashing in on an IP’s hypothetical future; one I doubt will see the light of day. Though all the leads do a fantastic job at what they’re given to work with (Lupita Nyongo and Penelope Cruz especially) — there’s not much they can do to distinguish this one from being anything other than a generic action film. Thanks, January!
